we so cool

I wrote a brief script to shoot with Ben and Matt, but Matt was occupied when I got home.  So Ben and I went downtown to try out my new tripod wheels.  Unfortunately, all the GVSU buildings were closing, so we ended up in a parking lot.  Fortunately, we are really, really cool / attractive.

Again

I feel tonight strongly, or feel strongly tonight, or something.  It's good and bad.  I wait for the car to leave, and then turn away from my apartment.  I want to throw something, very badly, but I don't have anything to throw I wouldn't regret.  Shoe?  No.  So I do a little fake throw of my phone, laugh, and walk out to the familiar wooden footbridge where I slump to the ground.  I try to get people to stop texting me-- I just want to play some music. It's a small selection, and I haven't added much since I inherited it from my brother, but I'm really glad he put a Band of Horses album on here.  Last summer at camp, this phone was my only way to listen to music.  Tonight I listen to the same four songs I always do:  Blue Beard, Evening Kitchen, Infinite Arms, and On My Way Back Home.  I vividly recall being alone in the cabin or out on the soccer field on Friday nights, feeling so at peace after a full week of counseling, listening to Band of Horses.  The phone's single speaker has a tinny, hollow sound to it, but I prefer it to a nice set of headphones sometimes; the music joins my surroundings without overpowering them.  And my surroundings are beautiful.  Fireflies drift lazily along the path, the same color and size as the stars.  The cool summer air brushes my skin gently.  The music is bringing Center Lake here, now... but not just Center Lake anymore.  Wyoming, McCormick, Cran-Hill, and more and more and more.  My whole life is here and I'm drowning in the emotion, wondering who I am and why I'm alive.

The last song plays out and I should get up.  Instead I flop face down in the middle of the bridge.  The wood smells good.  And then I get up.  I catch a firefly on the way back.  It's beautiful, but I let it go.

Last Semester

It was pretty weird, and I started writing some pretty weird stuff, which is why I stopped my old blog.  But I'll be reposting a few of the things I like from it for the sake of collecting things here:

Dubstep is that even a genre is just rolling around his head this morning. So awake, but in the surreal not actually processing anything way. It’s all too familiar he’s been here before hasn’t he? Getting up early after a late bed actually doesn’t feel bad though, mentally there’s enthusiasm and victory. The beats, it feels like his whole body is convulsing but he’s just so caffeinated by now that can’t tell what’s inside and what’s out because his stomach is killing right now, the acidity is just ripping up his esophagus but whatever it tastes nice and bitter so it’s time for another cup. It’s like he needs to go right now and just start running, doing something with all this false energy before it explodes. His mind is twitching more than his body this time thankfully the chaos of the music is expressing emotionally what he can’t physically. Then he loses some of the victory in his head because every minute of today is planned out ahead of time he can’t listen to it all of the time. And the coffee is starting to make him feel worse, hungry and not hungry, too disoriented to prepare something reasonable to eat. But this assignment is going to get A’s his professor will like it and his professor won’t have any clue that he didn’t plan this out ahead of time or put any real consideration or care into it because really, his life consists of a lot more than this class and he wonders if the professor gets that because she must have been in school before too and really he doesn’t care what his professor thinks about anything.

Grounded

Look in the mirror and feel confused

Same eyes, same hair, same height

Same bristles against my teeth as every night

Same dull, fluorescent light

But so very not the same

Put on the songs I sang in junior high

Because they were actually alright

And I couldn’t sleep if I tried

Please tell me I came from somewhere

Close my eyes, head on the desk

Faces and places all in a mess

Lovely as they flicker afresh

Think about blessings lost on you

About friends forsaken

Every single scene was slated

Misery designed, created

And the time you wasted

On self-love and hatred

Shut that door quickly.

One brother’s wearing ties

Another’s fighting fires in his mind

And mom knows they’re turning out fine

Not just the boys, of course

The youngest is finding her way

Working in the fields these days

Sketching what she wants to say

And today I saw my father’s face

Cards were unimportant to express

His family’s thankfulness
Reminding me I’m not rootless

Movie Poster

Today I noticed my friend's banner photo looked like a movie poster.  I made it so.  No, of course that's not the tagline from Alien vs. Predator.

The Pavilion

I made this with Adam awhile ago, but I'm going to go ahead and link it here.  I had my first shift today.  Alex, Nicole, and Lindsay all made me feel so welcome.  The place seems to radiate peace very tangibly, maybe even physically-- I felt whole on the way back home.

Cynical

Rosa Parks Circle looks different tonight.  It starts when I walk past a young man playing his guitar across the street from the dancing, singing all-too-earnestly in a vain struggle against the blaring pop music.  I don’t think anyone is listening; in fact, I’m not even sure if they can hear him over the din.  And yet I’m positive this is the same young man who was here last week, and the week before, and the week before…  I feel a mixture of condescension and pity.  I think he would probably have a lot more fun playing on his porch at home on Tuesday nights.

And so I find myself spinning around a cynical circle of thinking about what other people are thinking about what other people think.  Suddenly, the human beings with inherently valuable souls who sprawl out on the grass away from the commotion are nothing but scenesters showing off their latest tattoos, smoking to show me that they don’t care what their parents think.  The couple kissing in the middle of the dance floor is screaming that their too-young love is so real it can’t be expressed in words, and the rest of us probably wish we had someone who valued us that much too.  The dancers who have actually taken lessons only keep time to make sure I’m aware my own hobbies will never look this cool.

My lip begins to curl at the whole scene.  It’s too much.  We’re all craving attention too badly, desperately, sadly, embarrassingly.  It shows in our clothing, dancing, posing, and our bored little glances toward the sky when no one is looking, but we sure hope they are.  And every phone out-of-pocket ensures lines will be cast far beyond this present circle, because maybe the consciousness we crave thought they had something better to do tonight.

I see a genuine smile somewhere in the ocean of faces, sparking the revelation that maybe I’m the only one making bored little glances toward the sky when no one is looking.  The youths are enjoying a smoke, the couple is enjoying a kiss, and the dancers are enjoying a dance.  Anything beyond this is not open for my conceited assumption.

I leave, and the young man is still playing his guitar across the street from the city’s largest dance party.  I still don’t know what motivates him, but I don’t want to feel better than him anymore.  And I feel nauseous, because it scares me that I can still see people that way.  It scares me that I’m so desperate to be noticed.  It scares me that my heart is poisonous.

Dear Friends

I love them both SO MUCH.  It was an incredible experience to be involved with the wedding this way.

If

If the man you hoped to be
Was foiled by your apathy,
If words that stirred your mind and chest
Always left your heart unsaid,
If kindness known and visualized
Stayed fantasy unrealized,
Would you think to try again,
Or just become another man?

Name That Movie

View

 Biked around the city.  Felt like a part of it.

CFW 2013

I thought I hadn't taken much footage at Chapter Focus Week, but I decided to have fun with what I had.  It was a blast to edit.

New Blog

This is a new blog, because I don't really like the other ones I tried.  Also, the url is nice on this one so I have extra motivation to use it well.